7+ ways to know your girlfriend is cheating (by: The Perfect Life Partner Book)
Physical cheating is any act that involves physical contact with someone of the opposite sex. Some couples might define this as having intercourse, but many would agree that kissing or touching someone would count as well. Emotional cheating, on the other hand, involves building a strong bond with someone else outside the relationship. Typically, this means going to that person for emotional support rather than the partner.
“When you start sharing your hopes and dreams, your fears, and happiness with someone else, you are invested in them and not investing in your primary relationship,” explains Trombetti. “When you share private details about your relationship and trash your partner, you have definitely broken the trust in your relationship. This kind of cheating is very tricky because you tell yourself it's okay because it isn't physical.”
Emotional cheating can sometimes be more difficult to detect since it tends to escalate very gradually over time. However, experts agree that it can be just as damaging as physical cheating, if not more so.
The term micro-cheating emerged within the last decade as social media and other technology became more prevalent in everyday life. As the name suggests, it refers to small — perhaps seemingly innocent — acts that exist in a gray area of infidelity. According to Trombetti, some examples of micro-cheating include keeping a dating app profile (even if you’re not actually going on dates), sending flirty DMs or social media comments, or secretly texting with an ex.
“Micro-cheating is unfortunately very easy to do these days,” says dating expert Stef Safran. “Many people have dating apps which do not require much information or a credit card to use — and they may keep them ‘just to look.’”
Where it gets messy, of course, is that some people might believe there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with their actions and behavior if they aren’t technically physically or emotionally cheating on their partner. Ultimately, Trombetti says only you and your partner can decide together on your definition of what constitutes micro-cheating.
While it’s much easier to cheat nowadays, it’s also much easier to get caught. Here are some of the behaviors you’ll want to take note of when it comes to infidelity.
At one point, you used to be the reason she was attached to her phone, excitedly DMing funny memes and texting back and forth. But if you find that your partner seems to be on their phone a lot lately, grinning at her screen while maintaining discretion, that could signal that there’s someone new in their life that is commanding their attention.
“Emotional intimacy is something that infidelity can build on,” explains Safran. “A new relationship that is not explained and done with secrecy is something that can send off warning bells.”
Sure, she could just be texting her sister or her best friend, but if she seems extra giddy about those exchanges that are taking up her time, that could be a red flag.
It’s one thing if your partner has always been a little tough to get a hold of during the workday, but if your usual lunchtime chats start going to voicemail, that’s definitely a change worth paying attention to. Safran says this is especially alarming if your partner refuses to be in contact with you at particular times of the day or night, and doesn’t seem to have an understandable reason for it.
Trombetti suggests bringing it up if you notice you can’t get a hold of them. If they can’t explain why or keep using fishy excuses about leaving their charger at home or having their phone on silent, there’s a chance that they’re trying to hide something from you.
If she’s suddenly started working out, wearing more makeup, and/or dressing sexier, Safran says you should take note. Of course, deciding to exercise or wear different clothes is in no way a guarantee that your partner is cheating on you. However, if they’re suddenly putting a lot more effort into their appearance, and it seems to have nothing to do with when you spend time together or go on dates, you might ask yourself if they’re trying to look good for someone else.
Remember when you immediately took an interest in whatever your new love interest cared about? According to Trombetti, if it seems like she’s randomly started taking a new interest in something, that might be a red flag that there’s someone new in her life.
For example, if she started watching football, listening to a new genre of music, or signed up for cooking classes when she couldn’t have cared less about those things before, you might ask yourself why that is. Sure, she may just be exploring some different passions, or there may be someone else who’s influencing her.
Specifically, if she’s in the honeymoon phase of catching feels for or hooking up with someone new, that’s going to be tough to compete with.
“It could be because you are being compared to the person they are cheating with,” explains Trombetti. “Of course, you are coming up on the short end of the stick because she has stars in her eyes for the other person — who still seems perfect.”
Take note of how she acts when she’s on her phone right next to you, or when you walk into the room while she’s on her laptop. If she’s quick to put her devices away, shut them down, or concealing the screen, Trombetti says that’s a big red flag that she’s hiding something from you. And unless she’s planning you a surprise party, it’s probably not a good thing.
Not everyone exhibits the same level of emotional openness in a relationship, but if your partner used to share their thoughts and feelings with you on a regular basis, Trombetti says something may be up.
“When your girlfriend isn't emotionally available anymore, and you combine it with other signs, this can be a red flag for cheating,” she tells AskMen.
Ultimately, the best way to determine whether any of these signs may point to cheating is to listen to your gut.
“When you just feel something is off but you can't put your finger on it, you are probably correct,” adds Trombetti.
If you suspect your partner may be unfaithful, the only way to know for sure is to confront them directly. That said, it’s crucial to set the right tone for a sensitive conversation. After all, the last thing you want to do is hurl potentially hurtful accusations at them if it turns out they’re totally innocent. Trombetti advises finding a time and a place where there are no distractions when you know you can both give your full attention to the issue at hand.
“Think about how you would want to be treated or approached if the situation was reversed,” says Safran. “Find the right time to approach someone (not before a big work presentation, family event, or other major situation); when you have time to discuss your feelings and time to hopefully hear your partner's as well.”
Once you’ve set aside some time to address it, you can calmly bring up some of the behaviors you’ve noticed that are concerning you. The best way to keep the discussion civil is to ask questions rather than make statements, focusing on how their actions are making you feel. For example, you might say: “I’ve noticed you haven’t been sharing much with me lately and it’s making me feel disconnected from you. Is there a reason why?” or “It seems like you’re quick to hide your phone when I come in the room and that worries me a little, what’s up with that?”
No matter how they respond, the more level-headed you can remain, the better.
“That way, you can take in her explanation and judge whether or not she is someone you even want to continue a relationship with,” adds Trombetti. “You need to determine if she is remorseful for her actions, if she is seeking forgiveness, or if she plans to change her behavior.”
And if it’s a matter of your partner micro-cheating, Trombetti notes that they might not even realize they crossed a line. Consider this the perfect time to set some clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationship.
No matter how many subtle signs you may notice that suggest cheating, there are always two sides to every story, so until you get to hear your partner’s take on things, consider giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Jumping to conclusions won’t just be harmful for you mentally and emotionally, but it could actually take a toll on your bond, too.
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